We spend a lot of time talking about what goes wrong in relationships.

Communication problems. Conflict. Sex. Resentment. Infidelity. Emotional disconnection. The list goes on.

But there’s another question that is arguably more useful: what does a genuinely healthy relationship actually look like?

That’s the question Matt and I tackle in the latest episode of Crazy in Love.

And we’re not talking about a perfect relationship. In fact, one of the central ideas is that a good relationship isn’t one where your partner always understands you, never annoys you or somehow meets all of your needs.

Your partner is a separate person. They will disappoint you. They will see things differently. They will sometimes get things wrong — as will you.

The question is what happens next.

Twelve principles of a healthy relationship

In the episode, we work through 12 qualities that we think characterise a psychologically healthy relationship.

Some are fairly familiar: being able to disagree without contempt, taking responsibility when you've got something wrong, sharing the workload fairly and being able to apologise.

Others are perhaps less obvious.

You shouldn't assume that your version of events is the whole truth. Two people can experience exactly the same argument very differently, and neither necessarily has access to some perfect objective account of what happened.

You don't get to complain about something you haven't asked for. If you want more help, more sex, more time together, more interest in your work or something else from your partner, at some point you probably need to actually ask for it.

Independence isn't betrayal. A healthy relationship still needs two separate people with their own interests, friendships and experiences. Being close doesn't mean becoming completely dependent on one another.

And perhaps most importantly, not every difference can be solved.

Some of the things couples argue about are simply differences between two people that will still be there in 20 or 30 years. Trying to finally convince your partner that your way of seeing things is the correct one may not be the most productive use of your time.

A relationship doesn't have to be a self-improvement project

We also talk about something that gets surprisingly little attention in relationship advice: having fun together.

Relationships can become incredibly earnest. There is always something to work on, something to communicate better, something to process or something to improve.

But a good relationship doesn't necessarily need to be a never-ending programme of personal development.

Sometimes it's simply about enjoying the person you're with.

Having a laugh. Going somewhere together. Having an interesting conversation. Having sex. Watching something stupid on television. Getting through the difficult periods and enjoying the good ones.

In other words, perhaps a psychologically healthy relationship is a little more ordinary than some of the grander ideas about love would have us believe.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just needs to work reasonably well for the two people in it.

Listen to the full episode of Crazy in Love:

What Does a Good Relationship Actually Look Like? — Crazy in Love

And here's the list of the 12 qualities of a psychologically healthy couple.

Image by Nataliya Vaitkevich.